I keep a half dozen books in the toilet, mostly old autobiographies I've picked up real cheap.
One of the books is by Shelly Winters and I read the part where she meets him at the airport and he's looking "all shriveled up" and she decides he needs ten hours of sleep, since he's nearly starved but for wine he drinks abundantly. So she gives him a little pep talk and nothing but reassuring and encouraging words, so much that he's able to eat eggs and bacon for breakfast and then she "pops a big red sleeping pill" into his mouth and holds to his lips a glass of water. He has no choice but to drink the water instead of choking on the pill. She leads him back to the bed where he's fast asleep in 5 minutes.
That is the passage that helps me get back to sleep.
I imagine in my weary brain that I have my own Shelly, who lovingly pops me a sleeping pill seeing that I'm miserable in my poverty and my desperation. Somehow, this helps me sleep most nights and when it doesn't I have other favorite pages of other books.
I read a biography of Joan Crawford when I get up in the morning. Her self discipline and drive help me face the exciting day ahead of collecting carts and bringing them back into the store.
When I watch Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, I know I'd rather be Jane, an over aged middle aged woman with the reality problems, she really can get into the idea that she's young again, maybe not again, maybe she's just never been old or even grown up. She get to shop for gorgeous dresses while Joan Crawford or Blanche only gets that one dark, dowdy dress.Then again, Blanche is the victim at that point, we don't know until the very end that Blanche really was the instigator.
Baby Jane is a drunk and those looks into her liqueur cabinet show she goes through a huge amount. She does look the part with layers of caked make up.
She plays make believe but doesn't know it isn't real. Best of all she shops for costues and dresses. Oh , I love how she calls to Edwin!
When you have money like her (although it's stolen) you can afford to have an Edwin to your very own and get him to play up to all these fantasies.
I'm on my second half of my pill and my fifth beer and I'll suffer my hangover tonight rather than in the morning which is more accommodating to my job.
Better than that I'll have a little nap to delude reality for a short while.
Tuesday, March 13
Wednesday, February 29
atrial fib
My parents planned for me to go to college.
Do you remember those pins they'd sell at school? "Send a mouse to college".
We children fell for that, of course. We believed that with 5 cents, we'd be sending a mouse to get a degree. I just looked on the www and sheesh, that goes back a long way. Feeling old.
The mice were really being sent to the lab to get tortured, but seeing the mice in caps and gowns made the scheme appealing to us kids who didn't know any better.
Well, I wouldn't wear eyeglasses for starters and my stubbornness was matched by the teachers who all put me in the back of the class, where I was more or less blind.
I could not see the chalk board and made up answers to questions I imagined were on the board. My parent tried to get me to wear them, but even when I had them in my pocket, I'd still tell the teacher I'd left them home or broke them.
Only one out of so many teachers let me sit close to the board so I could learn something.
And I dropped out before turning 16, so much for The American Dream.
My parents did understand. It was them who got me to a psychiatrist who excused my absences and kept me out a full year. So to add it up would be something like a 7th grade education and I've got a job getting grocery carts out of the lot and back into the store.
If I could go back in time, I'd wear those glasses and have gone to college, but life usually holds only one chance for us all.
Do you remember those pins they'd sell at school? "Send a mouse to college".
We children fell for that, of course. We believed that with 5 cents, we'd be sending a mouse to get a degree. I just looked on the www and sheesh, that goes back a long way. Feeling old.
The mice were really being sent to the lab to get tortured, but seeing the mice in caps and gowns made the scheme appealing to us kids who didn't know any better.
Well, I wouldn't wear eyeglasses for starters and my stubbornness was matched by the teachers who all put me in the back of the class, where I was more or less blind.
I could not see the chalk board and made up answers to questions I imagined were on the board. My parent tried to get me to wear them, but even when I had them in my pocket, I'd still tell the teacher I'd left them home or broke them.
Only one out of so many teachers let me sit close to the board so I could learn something.
And I dropped out before turning 16, so much for The American Dream.
My parents did understand. It was them who got me to a psychiatrist who excused my absences and kept me out a full year. So to add it up would be something like a 7th grade education and I've got a job getting grocery carts out of the lot and back into the store.
If I could go back in time, I'd wear those glasses and have gone to college, but life usually holds only one chance for us all.
Tuesday, January 3
unemployment and idle thoughts
I called my ma on the phone for a holiday greeting. She sounded cold.She's angry because I haven't found any work. Finally she said "You better wisen up boy! And stop talking silly."
I've heard that over and over from pa, my ma and even granny. I knew I had exhausted her patience and ended the call.
I have gotten lazy being unemployed. I miss waking up, showering, brushing my teeth all because I HAD too.
I guess I'm not very disciplined on my own. Doing anything because I really WANT to is just doing essential, basic tasks and letting anything else pile up because I don't care enough.
I've always wanted a cleaning lady. Some of my friends have and I adore those busy ladies. I've never had a girl be interested in cleaning up for me. One of my boyfriendly duties was cleaning the litter boxes every night at the home of one of my girlfriends.
I clean my litter boxes, walk the dogs and I need to sleep in a very fresh, well made bed. If my bed gets cluttered or the sheets are loose and wrinkled or aren't clean enough, it's hard for to sleep, but lately money is tight and I need to eat more than I need to spend at the laundromat.
I'm living off my savings.
There is no money for indulgence. No new dresses, no French brie, no Danish blue cheese.
My rent money is my main concern as long as it's paid, I feel alright.
The factories in my area were all renovated and converted into apartment buildings. There are so many vacant businesses, it's like Death Valley. I don't think Obama is to blame, though it would help if he were tougher and more determined. It's all this financial emptiness. We really have to start from nothing.
China is the super power of the world and America exports nothing, but imports everything.
It's been months since I awoke in a lacy, frilly night gown and strutted to the bathroom stylishly. I'm too frustrated by other things to miss it much.
Being out of work right now is nothing to be ashamed of.There are the lucky ones and then there are all the rest of us.
I'd love to skip out and join OWS full time.
I used the wrong bottle of drops and instead of putting my moisture drops in, I put my contact lens washing solution in my eyes and my contacts got stuck and were very had to remove. I could see my own clear membrane being pulled as I peeled them out. I bought a 15 dollar pair of glasses online and waiting two weeks for the delivery. The girl taking my prescription barely spoke English and I hope she got it right. Good luck to me on my new pair of glasses.
I hope 2012 is a better year financially, but I know it won't be.
I applied for a dishwashing job at the bar down the street, maybe they'll call...
I've heard that over and over from pa, my ma and even granny. I knew I had exhausted her patience and ended the call.
I have gotten lazy being unemployed. I miss waking up, showering, brushing my teeth all because I HAD too.
I guess I'm not very disciplined on my own. Doing anything because I really WANT to is just doing essential, basic tasks and letting anything else pile up because I don't care enough.
I've always wanted a cleaning lady. Some of my friends have and I adore those busy ladies. I've never had a girl be interested in cleaning up for me. One of my boyfriendly duties was cleaning the litter boxes every night at the home of one of my girlfriends.
I clean my litter boxes, walk the dogs and I need to sleep in a very fresh, well made bed. If my bed gets cluttered or the sheets are loose and wrinkled or aren't clean enough, it's hard for to sleep, but lately money is tight and I need to eat more than I need to spend at the laundromat.
I'm living off my savings.
There is no money for indulgence. No new dresses, no French brie, no Danish blue cheese.
My rent money is my main concern as long as it's paid, I feel alright.
The factories in my area were all renovated and converted into apartment buildings. There are so many vacant businesses, it's like Death Valley. I don't think Obama is to blame, though it would help if he were tougher and more determined. It's all this financial emptiness. We really have to start from nothing.
China is the super power of the world and America exports nothing, but imports everything.
It's been months since I awoke in a lacy, frilly night gown and strutted to the bathroom stylishly. I'm too frustrated by other things to miss it much.
Being out of work right now is nothing to be ashamed of.There are the lucky ones and then there are all the rest of us.
I'd love to skip out and join OWS full time.
I used the wrong bottle of drops and instead of putting my moisture drops in, I put my contact lens washing solution in my eyes and my contacts got stuck and were very had to remove. I could see my own clear membrane being pulled as I peeled them out. I bought a 15 dollar pair of glasses online and waiting two weeks for the delivery. The girl taking my prescription barely spoke English and I hope she got it right. Good luck to me on my new pair of glasses.
I hope 2012 is a better year financially, but I know it won't be.
I applied for a dishwashing job at the bar down the street, maybe they'll call...
Tuesday, October 11
surprise from granny?
Granny's house is so far off the road and so isolated. The place drives me nuts. I go there and stare. There's dust all over. Granny was a great cook and a big reader, but wasn't big on cleaning and I don't blame her for keeping the place a little messy, hmm it's more than a little messy, but that sounds nicer.
Granny's is like Yale, huge & drafty with very high ceilings. The last time I lived there, I felt so desperate and lonely.
I've become very used to opening my door and being right on the sidewalk. Opening my door and instantly seeing people walking & talking.
Shortly after granny's death, I had an unflattering memory of her and just as I was thinking it, one of her heavy, bulky purses fell on my head. I was in one of her closets and believed she or her spirit smacked me on the head.
My dogs were with me and one morning they pulled clothes hangers from out of the closet and there were strange brown cloths all over the floor.
Wrapped around the wires of the coat hangers were silk stockings. They looked new and never used. These are old stockings reaching up to the thigh and they'd get attached with the clips on a garter belt. There were about three pairs on every hanger.
I know my granny was a hoarder. I don't know what went through her mind as she wrapped these silk stockings around the hangers, and then hung clothes from them, it seems like she had hidden them or maybe didn't like wire hangers and thought of this as a way of padding them.Things that are hidden are more exciting than obvious things. I sometimes think that the devil wraps things with fancy ribbons. Temptation.
Whatever her reasons, I'll never know, but while I was tempted to try them on, silk is so soft and wonderful against the skin, I felt guilty and unwrapped every hanger and put away all the silk stockings in a bag and left them at the Goodwill drop-off.
It was kind of nice, I'd love to think granny set up a surprise gift for me, but she was a hoarder and probably kept these silk stockings under wraps for an emergency.
I'm glad the very hot weather is all over with, I'm really loving the cooler weather.
This past weekend was horrible. I had the worst hangover of my life.
Luckily, The Real Housewives of New Jersey was on tv and even in all my pain I could smile watching Teresa "flipping the table".
I took 2 Advils waking up and couldn't really remember why I felt so shitty. I was over the toilet puking and the vomit came out both mouth and nose, it was all liquid but suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I was choking on my vomit. My uncle had died that way. I was stricken with panic and grabbed my bath towel to blow my nose and saved my own life.
All Saturday, I felt as though I were poisoned, shaking,weak and walking like a 90 year old man.
I restrained myself from vomiting anymore the entire day (it's hard). I ate and drank nothing.
That morning I got this awful ammonia smell in my nostrils and I still cannot smell anything. This ammonia smell is subsiding very, very slowly. I was told that some of the vomit got into my larynx and it will take time to get that ammonia-like vapor and my sense of smell back.
The only good thing is I have only drank a couple beers since and that is how it's going to be from now on.
Granny's is like Yale, huge & drafty with very high ceilings. The last time I lived there, I felt so desperate and lonely.
I've become very used to opening my door and being right on the sidewalk. Opening my door and instantly seeing people walking & talking.
Shortly after granny's death, I had an unflattering memory of her and just as I was thinking it, one of her heavy, bulky purses fell on my head. I was in one of her closets and believed she or her spirit smacked me on the head.
My dogs were with me and one morning they pulled clothes hangers from out of the closet and there were strange brown cloths all over the floor.
Wrapped around the wires of the coat hangers were silk stockings. They looked new and never used. These are old stockings reaching up to the thigh and they'd get attached with the clips on a garter belt. There were about three pairs on every hanger.
I know my granny was a hoarder. I don't know what went through her mind as she wrapped these silk stockings around the hangers, and then hung clothes from them, it seems like she had hidden them or maybe didn't like wire hangers and thought of this as a way of padding them.Things that are hidden are more exciting than obvious things. I sometimes think that the devil wraps things with fancy ribbons. Temptation.
Whatever her reasons, I'll never know, but while I was tempted to try them on, silk is so soft and wonderful against the skin, I felt guilty and unwrapped every hanger and put away all the silk stockings in a bag and left them at the Goodwill drop-off.
It was kind of nice, I'd love to think granny set up a surprise gift for me, but she was a hoarder and probably kept these silk stockings under wraps for an emergency.
I'm glad the very hot weather is all over with, I'm really loving the cooler weather.
This past weekend was horrible. I had the worst hangover of my life.
Luckily, The Real Housewives of New Jersey was on tv and even in all my pain I could smile watching Teresa "flipping the table".
I took 2 Advils waking up and couldn't really remember why I felt so shitty. I was over the toilet puking and the vomit came out both mouth and nose, it was all liquid but suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I was choking on my vomit. My uncle had died that way. I was stricken with panic and grabbed my bath towel to blow my nose and saved my own life.
All Saturday, I felt as though I were poisoned, shaking,weak and walking like a 90 year old man.
I restrained myself from vomiting anymore the entire day (it's hard). I ate and drank nothing.
That morning I got this awful ammonia smell in my nostrils and I still cannot smell anything. This ammonia smell is subsiding very, very slowly. I was told that some of the vomit got into my larynx and it will take time to get that ammonia-like vapor and my sense of smell back.
The only good thing is I have only drank a couple beers since and that is how it's going to be from now on.
Saturday, August 6
having a bad time
The whole month of July brought me so many troubles.
Too depressed to really focus on anything.
The major factor was that I brought Mitzie to a groomer because of tangles in her hair. I wanted her to get a good haircut mainly. She's a tiny Yorkie with very fine hair and I like to keep her hair longer cause that's her at her cutest.
Well, I brought her to a groomer only because I wanted her few tangles removed and the damned bitch did accept her, but upon picking her up said " I reported you to the dog warden because of the matting. "
She threatened to remove my Mitzie from my custody {something I could not live with}
I love my dog. I spoil my dog with food better than I eat myself.
This completely devastated me as I love Mitzie so much.
Anna Grace has a Yorkie and I've read many a post where her separation from her dog was something that caused her extreme emotional heartbreak. I understand her heartbreak, especially after feeling the possibility of my Yorkie separation first hand.
It was an awful July and since, I've brought my Yorkie to another groomer every 2 weeks as to show the importance of her existence in my life.
So , yeah I wallowed in pain and an excess of beer.
I hope August isn't as traumatic as July.
I'm going through my savings because I haven't since found a painting job.
America is truly suffering unemployment. I 've suffered through and experienced it so well myself.
I need my Mitzie. Please join me in the hopes that she will not be removed from my custody and my life.
Too depressed to really focus on anything.
The major factor was that I brought Mitzie to a groomer because of tangles in her hair. I wanted her to get a good haircut mainly. She's a tiny Yorkie with very fine hair and I like to keep her hair longer cause that's her at her cutest.
Well, I brought her to a groomer only because I wanted her few tangles removed and the damned bitch did accept her, but upon picking her up said " I reported you to the dog warden because of the matting. "
She threatened to remove my Mitzie from my custody {something I could not live with}
I love my dog. I spoil my dog with food better than I eat myself.
This completely devastated me as I love Mitzie so much.
Anna Grace has a Yorkie and I've read many a post where her separation from her dog was something that caused her extreme emotional heartbreak. I understand her heartbreak, especially after feeling the possibility of my Yorkie separation first hand.
It was an awful July and since, I've brought my Yorkie to another groomer every 2 weeks as to show the importance of her existence in my life.
So , yeah I wallowed in pain and an excess of beer.
I hope August isn't as traumatic as July.
I'm going through my savings because I haven't since found a painting job.
America is truly suffering unemployment. I 've suffered through and experienced it so well myself.
I need my Mitzie. Please join me in the hopes that she will not be removed from my custody and my life.
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