helpless girls & broken dolls

I have not seen my sister in a long time until the beginning of May.
Initially she appeared alright, sometimes a little fuzzy with zig-zaging conversations. She'd been zoning out often and returning to the conversation on a new subject.
She didn't answer questions directly but said what she wanted to.The question she evaded never really appeared to have registered in her, like selective thinking.
Initially, she was very active. More and more, as the month progressed she's become passive (far from her natural state)
She'd been talking about morphine patches, Duragesic and Norco and I knew that she'd come across some people she can obtain them from.
Driving around with her as teenagers was tough. En route she'd have the window rolled down waving & shouting to her drug providing friends. Not wanting her on so much drugs and I'd speed by these "friends" foolishly thinking I could take her away from drugs.
I introduced her to a different circle of people, but she had no interest.
Years have gone by. So many, since she'd begun resorting to drugs on a daily basis in high school.
Spending days going into nights convincing her to detox and spending hours phoning rehabs begging for a spare bed. Once after an exhausting day/night of phoning, I warned the nurse that she may very well die and very soon, if she could not locate a spare bed. Fortunately the nurse was moved and arranged to accept her in the facility. N was pretty much unconscious by this time and never protested the long ride to the hospital.
I was as strong willed as she was.
The guy she'd lived with for many years was shot dead in the ghetto section while looking to score for her.
We are both adults now and N is obviously using chemicals heavily.
She had a "stomach ache" (yeah, right!) yesterday morning when she visited me so she spent literally the entire day sleeping in her bf's truck.
When he got bored after a few hours of her sleep, he disappeared and turned up that evening drunk. Since neither was capable of driving, they spent the night sleeping in the vehicle. So much for the "visit".
She DOES what she wants. I no longer try stopping her. My only hope is that she uses some caution and doesn't get hurt or worse.
Her voice is a very weak, slow attempt at staying awake during conversation. Sometimes she's asleep before she has finished a sentence, most often it's just a couple words before she's back to sleep.
For someone involved , but not involved heavily into drugs, we feel mostly helpless.
This isn't a child, though it can seem that way.
N. once upon a time was a very pretty, bright and popular girl. I'd never dreamed then that she'd need drugs at all.
I was more the misfit, the weaker and obviously weird one. If either of us was to make drugs a way of life, I'd have thought back then, it would be me.
I don't feel like the winner, I feel like I'm losing my sister and that's a feeling I've suffered for so many years.
Accepting defeat has been a long term process.

Rest in peace, Mike

The owner of Toad's Place died last week.
I have many memories of Mike serving behind the bar too, he mixed and placed a drink in seconds.
NEW HAVEN, Conn. (WTNH) - The founder of Toad's Place located in New Haven passed away.Founder, Mike Spoerndle along with his friend and business partner Brian Phelps worked together at Toad's Place since it's opening in the 1970's.

"The first time I ever saw him, he was at the door, collecting money, he had one guy in a headlock, and he's collecting money in the other arm, he's got one foot up on the door, directing traffic. That's how I met the guy, you know," says Phelps.

Many well known bands played some of their first live shows on the Toad's Place stage.

Toad's Place on York Street is a magnet for some of the biggest names in rock, country and pop. Bob Dylan, James Taylor and Bon Jovi all jammed there. The Rolling Stones made a surprise visit in 1989.

"He and I were always elated when we'd have a monster act here, that was always. First one we had here is Springsteen," says Phelps.

Spoerndle's battle with drugs forced Phelps to finally buy full control of the company in 1995. But Spoerndle's legacy is much like the music he adored will always have a place at Toad's Place.

"He searched out new musical talent. He played it when others didn't even know about it. He brought it into the club for the first time ever," says Phelps.

doctors with dirty hands

Some time ago, I brought a female friend (not my gf) to Yale New Haven Hospital.

She had been calling me three or four times a day believing she was pregnant as she hadn't gotten her ladies troubles for some months.

The guy who may have impregnated her was already living with his girlfriend and their infant son and wanted nothing more to do with her.

Feeling pregnant and alone, she confided her worries to me. At the time she had no idea of what to do, though I could tell she was not in a situation that could welcome a child. Then she'd been buying pregnancy tests left & right all turning out negative.

She had no physician and her problem changed to a condition that led her to bleed excessively and within a couple weeks, she worried her condition was very serious. Finally she asked me to bring her to the ER because she bled very severely and incessantly day & night, even with methergine(?) tablets a friend had given her.

We went into the ER. I waited while she was led behind the main doors and shortly she'd come out to me and told me that the docs said they were unable to treat her problem and directed her to the ob-gyn department where she could be examined.

So, we walked to that door and there were dozens of women in the waiting room. But she did talk to the front staff and explained that she was hemorrhaging, literally hemorrhaging to the point that ladies hygiene pads were no use. They asked for her insurance info and she said she had none and they turned her away in a quiet, business like tone.

If she were meek as mice, she'd have left quietly as she was asked, but she wasn't. She raised her voice to a screech and screamed that they were sending her out "to bleed to death on the streets".

I remember this incident as though it were yesterday because I was so stunned that anyone in this shape could actually be refused any type of treatment or even some advise. I also remember because her screaming those words just pierced through my soul.

I led her out the corridor, all the while she looked back & continued screaming at them.

It seemed to her that she had one right only, which is the right to die.

Outside her major hysteria had her crying & screaming to pedestrians and passing cars. "They threw me out, they left me to die in the street." I'll never forget her words.

Suddenly the ob-gyn center director appeared rushing toward us on the street.

Realizing a potential law suit, he talked softly to her, persuading her to come back to ob-gyn, where she was now taken into the examining room ahead of the other women in the waiting room.

I took a seat, hoping they could help her. Shortly after, she had come out with a slip. She was told to return to the ER and show the slip, indicating the urgency of her problem and need for immediate care. Again I sat in the waiting room, but for a very long time. I thought about how had she been quiet & compliant , she may well have been dismissed "bleeding on the street".

She emerged looking much calmer and told me about all the diagnostics they'd done & of her follow-upt with their ob-gyn unit later that week, when they could come to some diagnosis and treatment.
We are still good friends. She mentioned the story on the phone the other day and permitted me to share it, as it is really a disgrace & a crime that patients actually do get turned away, so much for the Hippocratic Oath & the professionals practicing it ?