Escapism.
Hedonism.
I can only take myself seriously for a limited period each day.
I get tired of being "responsible", of being necessarily serious and of dignity.
That's OK for the time I mask myself for society.
Somethings are best left unseen, for example, me in a dress.
I think if I were gay,I would not stay in the closet.
I'm getting older, not wiser, but definitely older.
I have really gorgeous beaded gowns and dresses that are quite formal. Some that I'd wear to parties, to concerts,to clubs.
I've spent the summer painting houses and I make just enough to pay my rent, to buy my favorite cheeses, Brie and Danish Blue. I read books from the library.
When I was young and had much more money, I bought hard-to-obtain books. One was an autographed book by Andy Warhol. I still have my rare book collection, although I have little money these days.
I'm sitting with a few ice cold beers. I've been drinking in excess every night. It soothes and comforts me. I remember a quarrel last night, but not the subject. Last night I decided I needed a little bit of disappearance. I wanted no company but silence.
I really get into moods where silence is my best companion and my beer and my xanax and elavil.The elavil is really the best because I'm on the highest dosage, but have spares and when I take two, it wipes me right out.
I've had a rough time these past few weeks.I strain to maintain a bit of happiness.
I look into the mirror and smile for a long time.
I smile a lot when I'm depressed. It's senseless, but I believe by smiling it may trigger something in my brain and maybe a little joy will register in my brain.
I try tricks on my brain.
It's probably a very weak and small brain and I figure I can cheat it well.
But it's probably best kept in a sedate state when I'm unhappy.
I've noticed recently in my dealings with others that I'm always wrong.
And shortly I'll be asleep and that's something I look forward to so much. It's waking up lately that is the saddest part of my day.
3 comments:
What is it about dresses you like? Is it the feel or the look? If you could A: magically wear a dress yet look like you had a business suit on or B: wear a business suit and yet look to the world like you had on a dress, which would you opt for?
Or do you only crossdress in private? Do you ever go to special clubnights? Do you ever get special grooming eg eyebrow plucking? Do you wear makeup?
Sorry to be nosey, I was just wondering...
I can understand wishing to LOOK feminine to express some inner part of yourself. The only type of transvestisism I don't really get is men who wear women's underwear under their regular clothes. Surely you'd just keep falling out sideways. And women's knickers seem to give them a giant wedgie half the time... ukh. Not comfortable!
I did once go clubbing in a Top Shop tartan miniskirt with bovver boots and hiking socks. I thought I looked amazing...
Gleds,
That's an interesting question.
I'd pick the magical dress that others see as a business suit.
I used to publicly crossdress, but only where I knew it was safe and I do at parties of friends who know about my ways.
I didn't like the crossdressers clubs too much because I got hit on so much by homosexuals.
I do wear make-up. I don't pluck my brows but I darken them with brown mascara.
I used to love doveskin panties.They are extinct, but I had loads of them still in package that I got from a woman's home that was to be demolished.
Lately,due to heat I'm not wearing men's or women's underpants.
Thank you for the distraction,...I needed it.
j.
I bet you did look amazing in the miniskirt, boots and socks ! :).
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