Goodbye 2010.
I hope that 2011 will be a better year for us all.
I hope the troops are pulled out of Afghanistan and end this nonsensical loss of blood as well as money.
I hope America will again, (after about 40 years of stagnation) begin manufacturing something on our own turf. Anything. We'll be buying imported toilet paper soon.
The unemployment rate is not acceptable.
I'm frustrated today, I 've been invited to my departed friend's widow's home to have a few drinks with the family and then to another friend's afterwards.
My porcelain veneer broke off and I can't possibly afford to fix it for some time, it's one of my front teeth, but hell with it, that won't keep me from smiling.
I wish peace, goodwill, love and all those good things that seem only possible in Utopia.
Friday, December 31
Tuesday, December 28
a thing for dresses
Gledwood requested I write about the beginnings of my cross dressing.
As a child, I remember my granny's coat. It had a sheared beaver collar... really soft. I used to reach up and touch the collar and pet it every day before school.
This grew into habitually touching, feeling & petting ladies garments.
She had very beautiful dresses back then, her silks and velvets.Soft cloths. Growing up, she gave my sister a beautiful bottle green velvet robe with crystal buttons which I was a little envious of. Of course, granny didn't think of giving it to me.
At the beach, I used to grab green seaweed from the water and put it on my legs. It reminded me of ladies hose and seeing it semi-transparent against my legs gave me a shiver of happy excitement. I didn't think it was strange, I thought it was wonderful!
More exciting than this was my Ma's lingerie. I loved the transparency of the cloth. I loved holding it against my wrist and seeing that almost nude look. My mother realized I was spending too much time in her closet and finally scolded me for it.
I understood then, that there was something wrong in my wanting to feel and fantasize about ladies clothes. Yeah, it was a bad day.
I continued spending time in Ma's closet, everytime I was alone in the house. It was something I could not resist doing, my own private time, my major indulgence.
When I was about 16, I began trying Ma's things on. It was a sensual pleasure for me, with some sexual notes.
Sooner or later, everyone gets caught in the act of something or other. I never expected it, as I was quite careful and cautious. My sister caught me in the bathroom, as I was in the mirror completely captivated by my reflection in a lovely silk dress with a transparent upper bodice and sleeves. I was exposed! My sister held her hand to her mouth, her expression was terror & shock. She ran out, I followed.
She really wanted to tell my parents cause we'd been quarreling a lot during that time. I was morbidly afraid of her relaying this experience to my parents, particularly my dad.With the dress safely back in the closet, I promised her Anything not to go blabbing to them. She questioned me brutally, I answered honestly. She showed a lot of disappointment, like I wasn't her brother anymore, like a freak had taken over me and she cried.
I think I repaid her trust, loyalty and help. Wearing dresses wasn't lethal, but her heroin addiction was. I found her many a time seemingly critically over-dosed, got her in the car & walked her around & around in commuter parking lots till responsive. Over the years, she let me try on & even borrow her clothes all the while keeping it a secret. She didn't understand me, but she did accept me.
It wasn't until I was living independently that I could fulfill my desire of wearing & having dresses in my closet. And much later still, when I'd wear them in public with legal concerns. I don't mind sneering, but I don't want to get beaten up over it.I find pleasure & excitement in dresses and some sexual arousal (this part turns women off but I don't require dressing for arousal or sexual functioning)
If I could undo my fixation I readily would, but I cannot. I find myself feeling unhappy and deprived if I don't indulge myself. I'm not a woman inside a man's body.I'm a man who lusts in lady's dresses.
As a child, I remember my granny's coat. It had a sheared beaver collar... really soft. I used to reach up and touch the collar and pet it every day before school.
This grew into habitually touching, feeling & petting ladies garments.
She had very beautiful dresses back then, her silks and velvets.Soft cloths. Growing up, she gave my sister a beautiful bottle green velvet robe with crystal buttons which I was a little envious of. Of course, granny didn't think of giving it to me.
At the beach, I used to grab green seaweed from the water and put it on my legs. It reminded me of ladies hose and seeing it semi-transparent against my legs gave me a shiver of happy excitement. I didn't think it was strange, I thought it was wonderful!
More exciting than this was my Ma's lingerie. I loved the transparency of the cloth. I loved holding it against my wrist and seeing that almost nude look. My mother realized I was spending too much time in her closet and finally scolded me for it.
I understood then, that there was something wrong in my wanting to feel and fantasize about ladies clothes. Yeah, it was a bad day.
I continued spending time in Ma's closet, everytime I was alone in the house. It was something I could not resist doing, my own private time, my major indulgence.
When I was about 16, I began trying Ma's things on. It was a sensual pleasure for me, with some sexual notes.
Sooner or later, everyone gets caught in the act of something or other. I never expected it, as I was quite careful and cautious. My sister caught me in the bathroom, as I was in the mirror completely captivated by my reflection in a lovely silk dress with a transparent upper bodice and sleeves. I was exposed! My sister held her hand to her mouth, her expression was terror & shock. She ran out, I followed.
She really wanted to tell my parents cause we'd been quarreling a lot during that time. I was morbidly afraid of her relaying this experience to my parents, particularly my dad.With the dress safely back in the closet, I promised her Anything not to go blabbing to them. She questioned me brutally, I answered honestly. She showed a lot of disappointment, like I wasn't her brother anymore, like a freak had taken over me and she cried.
I think I repaid her trust, loyalty and help. Wearing dresses wasn't lethal, but her heroin addiction was. I found her many a time seemingly critically over-dosed, got her in the car & walked her around & around in commuter parking lots till responsive. Over the years, she let me try on & even borrow her clothes all the while keeping it a secret. She didn't understand me, but she did accept me.
It wasn't until I was living independently that I could fulfill my desire of wearing & having dresses in my closet. And much later still, when I'd wear them in public with legal concerns. I don't mind sneering, but I don't want to get beaten up over it.I find pleasure & excitement in dresses and some sexual arousal (this part turns women off but I don't require dressing for arousal or sexual functioning)
If I could undo my fixation I readily would, but I cannot. I find myself feeling unhappy and deprived if I don't indulge myself. I'm not a woman inside a man's body.I'm a man who lusts in lady's dresses.
Sunday, December 26
Christmas
I got these cookies from a friend,
made stew in my slow cooker (pic looks crappy,but it was good)
decorated the fireplace
hung up a pic I got in NY a few mos. back,
Put up my little Christmas tree on the table,I remembered Gledwood having like an "open house" on his blog with live chat & went typing for a few moments,somewhat incoherently by then,I guess. I think that was a very nice gesture on his part, making himself available to his readers on the holidays no less.
I ate,drank and was merry as I could be and it wasn't so bad.
Thursday, December 23
this ones for Gled & Anna ................
I remember seeing the film Trainspotting when it first came out.
Some blogs that I've subscribed to are on a similar subject.They fascinate me. I can feel their pain & their joy.I love people.
I'm attracted to things I know absolutely nothing about.
I went to see Trainspotting only because of the trailer with Iggy Pop in it. A long time fan, I'd seen Iggy Pop at Toad's Place. A guy beside me, an Austrian student convinced me after the show to try sneaking into Iggy's bus with him. I had on my black leather dress.Of course we were ushered straight out.
It's not that I want to try the drug myself.Curiosity killed the cat and I know pain, my hands were caught in many a mouse trap.
The only drug/medication I take long term is Xanax. I've been on it 20 years.
When I was taken off Xanax in a facility of the hospital I suffered 3 grand mal seizures & amnesia. I never felt as helpless.
I never again want to be at the mercy of psychiatrists.
I tapered down myself to 2mg daily.
I'm sure Xanax withdrawal is nothing like Heroin's.
My sister was a heroin addict. She no longer is. She never used needles, she snorted.
Here's a great song of Iggy 's.
This ones for you Gledwood and 4 Anna.
Some blogs that I've subscribed to are on a similar subject.They fascinate me. I can feel their pain & their joy.I love people.
I'm attracted to things I know absolutely nothing about.
I went to see Trainspotting only because of the trailer with Iggy Pop in it. A long time fan, I'd seen Iggy Pop at Toad's Place. A guy beside me, an Austrian student convinced me after the show to try sneaking into Iggy's bus with him. I had on my black leather dress.Of course we were ushered straight out.
It's not that I want to try the drug myself.Curiosity killed the cat and I know pain, my hands were caught in many a mouse trap.
The only drug/medication I take long term is Xanax. I've been on it 20 years.
When I was taken off Xanax in a facility of the hospital I suffered 3 grand mal seizures & amnesia. I never felt as helpless.
I never again want to be at the mercy of psychiatrists.
I tapered down myself to 2mg daily.
I'm sure Xanax withdrawal is nothing like Heroin's.
My sister was a heroin addict. She no longer is. She never used needles, she snorted.
Here's a great song of Iggy 's.
This ones for you Gledwood and 4 Anna.
Wednesday, December 22
Holiday greetings
A friend suffered terrible misfortune, without going into details of his untimely passing,(only to say it was extremely sudden) I'd rather mention the way his demise has affected his family & friends.
There was to be a glitzy New Years party, instead one of his family is burning her calender from 2010.
I cannot imagine the pain of his family unwrapping the gifts he'd bought them, nor the pain in seeing the gifts they'd gotten for him sitting beneath the tree after Christmas is over. I imagine these gifts will be given to Goodwill.
His wife and children, sat in the ICU for 1 long week, clinging steadfast to hopes that he may pull through. He was removed from life support on the 18th, when all hope died.
Those 8 days of hope and prayer are over, the grieving is just beginning.
(I hate writing such a glum post,but needed to express this)
Wishing you a merry Christmas and a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year.
There was to be a glitzy New Years party, instead one of his family is burning her calender from 2010.
I cannot imagine the pain of his family unwrapping the gifts he'd bought them, nor the pain in seeing the gifts they'd gotten for him sitting beneath the tree after Christmas is over. I imagine these gifts will be given to Goodwill.
His wife and children, sat in the ICU for 1 long week, clinging steadfast to hopes that he may pull through. He was removed from life support on the 18th, when all hope died.
Those 8 days of hope and prayer are over, the grieving is just beginning.
(I hate writing such a glum post,but needed to express this)
Wishing you a merry Christmas and a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year.
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