Wednesday, December 1

What's lost is gained...

I thought my post below was missing something, but as boring as it is, I thought "Heck,just skip it" Losing my virginity was The Best thing I'd ever lost my whole life.
Much more fun than when I'd lost my mind during Xanax withdrawal. Plus when I'd lost my mind I had to go searching for it. I thought about putting an ad in the Lost & Found. No one on earth would have any use for it. It didn't even serve me very well.
I think losing one's mind is not as painful as losing their soul and I have that intact, at least.

I don't have much faith in the relatively new science of psychiatry. I was diagnosed with clinical depression after the death of a close family member. The loss was deep and agonizing to me.
I couldn't bare the pain. My frail way of dealing with it was to NOT deal with it at all. Not coping at all, with the assistance of 10-15 mgs of Xanax and 100 mg of Limbitrol. I existed without suffering.
In a constant blurred, catatonic state, I kept track of my pill taking in a small note book I carried with me at all times.
Because it was easy to pass out at any time, I scribbled the time and number of pills in my notes, (very illegibly, in case someone found me passed out and retrieved my pill info) I was (before this loss) stable enough never to abuse my meds. I was considered a responsible and reliable person. Now I went from doc to doc acquiring as much pills possible. Docs like playing it Their way. Some would deny the Xanax in favor of Valium, or with Paxil and Ativan, etc.... For about a year, I stumbled through the grieving period in a dense fog.
Apparently my keeping record of the pills was also impaired. I woke up a year later with tubes connected to all places on my body with tape holding them in place.
I was in a coma for 3 days and unfortunately the psych docs found me very interesting and kept me 3 weeks as they rushed me through withdrawal from Xanax, Limbitrol and various other sedatives.
They seemed quite merciless, sadistic even as they watched people having seizures, biting their tongues and banging their heads on the floor.
Watching someone having withdrawal seizures is just like watching a fish out of water. They flip and flop involuntarily at the same time getting themselves banged and bruised up.
It's a thing that's painful to watch and your first reaction is to put the fish back in the water. Such isn't the case by these psych docs. They prefer patients flopping on the floor and letting the cells of the brain weaken & wither away. I considered the entire process barbaric and cruel & unusual punishment. I've no respect whatsoever for such rushed means of taking chemically dependent people off their drugs. I was in a vegetative state, but can't forget the sight of people with the sides of their heads bruised and bleeding and the oral bleeding from tongue biting.
And yet, had I never experienced this game of "let's torture these guinea pigs" I'd never have gotten myself down to a dose of 2mg of Xanax a day!
Something I'm very proud of having done.... and by myself too!
Slowly my brain's mechanism began restoring itself.
I would never again be at their mercy, I promised myself that much.
I'd accomplish this at my own pace.The prospect of going through that "professional," torturous ordeal again is way too threatening to me, e
ven though I'm all too familiar with..pain.
I think, like the girl who couldn't keep her shirt on, that I really Needed to get this off my chest.
(no musical or visual accompaniment with this post, but I'd pick the song "Dirt" for this one after having been down so low)

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good post! Benzo withdrawals are a bitch. I've had to detox from heroin and benzos so I know what you went through, and it is hell on earth. Did you know benzos and alcohol are the only two drugs you can die from the withdrawals. Seizures are what kill you. Heroin withdrawals you really feel like your going to die, and you wish you would die if you don't get any opiates, but normally people don't die from H withdrawals.

Who's death was it? If you want to keep it personal that's all good. I'm just being nosey.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Anna,
No, I didn't know these facts or that seizures are what kills.
And I mistakenly thought heroin withdrawal was much more dangerous.
Thanks for filling me in on the facts, Anna.
You are sooo compassionate & understanding.
It was the death of my Dad and it was made even harder cause we never found common ground. I know love was mutual, but we were so different and had gotten so distant from each other..
I never find your questions nosey, I find them "curious" and I'm curious too.So alwways, ask away.
Sleep well & take good care Anna.
I'm so sleepy. :)
j.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Anna,
I forgot to mention that if you've known no suffering, you can't understand pain.

You having been through that & can empathize so well...and I want to thank you for being you.
j.

Gledwood said...

What country are you in?... hang on I gotta check. Xanax isn't really used in the UK is it? Alprazolam? Something like that. Tried it in India, didn't like it. Far preferred Valium (to me way stronger) I know Americans seem to go crazy over Xanax. Hear about it all the time in magazines, books etc.
Ah just checked. American spelling of color or something!!
You never put what country up. So you're American. Making more sense now.
I would never in a million years go voluntarily to American drug treatment facilities. British is best any day, in that sense. BetteR. Not Best. Switzerland. Netherlands. Germany. All give out lovely free diamorph. Switzerland being tops. You just get it. From a clinic where you have to bang up in front of them. If you ever can't go in or have to go away it has to be methadone you take. Not heroin. Here in the UK heroin is prescribed to "about 400 addicts" so they say. Who can just take it home in dry amps, pop 'em open, add water, shake once. Dissolved. Bang up. Knew someone on them. Wouldn't believe it unless I'd seen it myself and heard that POP!! Loads of times. Also knew someone on methadone amps. (Private drs used to give 'em out like sweets in the 1990s. Nearly all closed down now. Giving out 300mg a day iv methadone. That is a huge dose and nothing unusual. I knew someone in the day on easy 250mg (50mg amps, the heroin ones come in 30s and 100s and a shit weak one 5 or 10mg can't remember you'd only give that for pain relief to someone "opiate naive".
Heroin is very widely used as a final-stage painkiller here. Very common. I'm pretty sure my gran died on heroin. She was on something (I was too bang on the stuff myself to want to know. Thinking of my own grandmother out of her brains on the same stuff I was on was doing my head in. And the way it was told to me, that's how she sounded. Exactly like me.
I bet I opeened a bracket and haven't closed it. Close it here).
Fucking hell that sounds crazy that clinic.
I don't want to degrade into a my country does things this way yours doesn't but I have a strong suspicion nobody would ever be left to go into fits through withdrawal. The dr would be chucked out if they kept letting it happen. Pretty sure of that.
For one thing, if you fit once, you can easily fit again afterwards. Ie you become epileptic. I know at least 2 people who got like that through crack. Crazy arse doses when it was stronger than it is now and people didn't tend to break the rocks up and smoke on a little pipe as now. Ukk.
Sorry for banging on about drugs. Drugs drugs.
It's weird but I just don't want 'em.
Havta say the crazyarsemotherfucker who answered the phone at the local nuthouse where i have notes, bc been in there, started banging on at me in one part of the 10 min conversation about my detoxing. And I thought fucking hell if I'm this crazy on STOPPING HEROIN switchover to JUST METHADONE then what is REDUCING METHADONE STEEPLY going to do?? I was already hearing voices. Floridly. The last 2 or 3 days. Not sleeping at all. Slept a bit last night.
Still barely eating. No appetite (fantastic!!)
Still don't feel "normal". I'm giving 'em a really hard time about it tomorrow. Gonna try as hard as possible not to fit any diagnostic criteria I know of. Fucking serve the lousy bastards right make their job harder. Cunts.
Sorry to rant. Your post is horrible. Fascinating to a junkie like me. But horrible.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Interesting stuff. I am so glad you survived all that medical/psychiatric bullshit. I, too, have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. That makes us brothers in arms.

Love,

SB

Anonymous said...

I have another request. As you may have noticed I am a very narcissistic and love to hear what people think of me.
I'm not sure how much of my blog you've read. Was it you who tried to flatter me by telling me that you read all my posts? I believe you skimmed them. Not all of them are worth reading. I look back on my old post and am embarrassed at how terribly boring and poorly written they are.
I wonder what your first impression of me was? It doesn't have to be some long drawn out post. Just a quick summation.
As you may or may not have read my book is shit. Tones of comments telling me so. Makes my heart hurt, but what did I expect I'm not Jane Austen, not even BmelonsLemonade. She has a book that is 100 times better than mine. When you go into my comments you'll see hers, just click on her name And it will bring you over to her blog.
I'm not sure why I pour my heart out to you. You just seem so understanding and sympathetic.

Unknown said...

This was good reading. I somehow always seem to gravitate towards people that seem to have xanax dependencies! Ive been on alprazolam for about 5 years. Its withdrawals can be horrific. But it saves lives too. Keep writing and try not to dwell on the bad bits. Im enjoying reading anyway.

Happy Wednesday: )

Gledwood said...

Hi thanks for your message. I cannot recall replying, as per normal, probably haven't.

Shrinko dr tomorrow. Wish luck. Yuck.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Gled,
thanks for visiting me.
I know you're going through a really tough time.
I know my post is horrible and I needed to just get it out here.
This was in the psych unit of the local hospital, not a rehab.
My sister went to rehabs many times before getting off heroin during her 9 month stay in prison.
Some of the rehabs she'd been in were kind of posh.
I don't think in rehabs that they just shut you off the drug, like they did to me in the psyche unit and I had 3 seizures after which I was mute and complete amnesia.

Sarcastic,
yes, we're brothers in arms :)

Anna,
I'll check out your friend's blog. I'm sure it's great.
I love your writing too.
LOL, any guy who likes wearing dresses will be very understanding. I can guarantee you that.

DumbBaby,
Thanks and I absolutely agree that it does save lives.
I remember instantly dancing when I took my first pill and to no music either!!! Euphoria!
j.

Danny said...

"I think losing one's mind is not as painful as losing their soul"

never a truer word spoken.

loving the way you do your font, and loving this blog.

PS the pharmaceutical industry is EVIL! as you have so perfectly illustrated here. read nomorefakenews.com to see how...

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Danny,
And thanks. I'll check out the link you gave me, sounds interesting, thanks,
j.