I keep a half dozen books in the toilet, mostly old autobiographies I've picked up real cheap.
One of the books is by Shelly Winters and I read the part where she meets him at the airport and he's looking "all shriveled up" and she decides he needs ten hours of sleep, since he's nearly starved but for wine he drinks abundantly. So she gives him a little pep talk and nothing but reassuring and encouraging words, so much that he's able to eat eggs and bacon for breakfast and then she "pops a big red sleeping pill" into his mouth and holds to his lips a glass of water. He has no choice but to drink the water instead of choking on the pill. She leads him back to the bed where he's fast asleep in 5 minutes.
That is the passage that helps me get back to sleep.
I imagine in my weary brain that I have my own Shelly, who lovingly pops me a sleeping pill seeing that I'm miserable in my poverty and my desperation. Somehow, this helps me sleep most nights and when it doesn't I have other favorite pages of other books.
I read a biography of Joan Crawford when I get up in the morning. Her self discipline and drive help me face the exciting day ahead of collecting carts and bringing them back into the store.
When I watch Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, I know I'd rather be Jane, an over aged middle aged woman with the reality problems, she really can get into the idea that she's young again, maybe not again, maybe she's just never been old or even grown up. She get to shop for gorgeous dresses while Joan Crawford or Blanche only gets that one dark, dowdy dress.Then again, Blanche is the victim at that point, we don't know until the very end that Blanche really was the instigator.
Baby Jane is a drunk and those looks into her liqueur cabinet show she goes through a huge amount. She does look the part with layers of caked make up.
She plays make believe but doesn't know it isn't real. Best of all she shops for costues and dresses. Oh , I love how she calls to Edwin!
When you have money like her (although it's stolen) you can afford to have an Edwin to your very own and get him to play up to all these fantasies.
I'm on my second half of my pill and my fifth beer and I'll suffer my hangover tonight rather than in the morning which is more accommodating to my job.
Better than that I'll have a little nap to delude reality for a short while.
Tuesday, March 13
Wednesday, February 29
atrial fib
My parents planned for me to go to college.
Do you remember those pins they'd sell at school? "Send a mouse to college".
We children fell for that, of course. We believed that with 5 cents, we'd be sending a mouse to get a degree. I just looked on the www and sheesh, that goes back a long way. Feeling old.
The mice were really being sent to the lab to get tortured, but seeing the mice in caps and gowns made the scheme appealing to us kids who didn't know any better.
Well, I wouldn't wear eyeglasses for starters and my stubbornness was matched by the teachers who all put me in the back of the class, where I was more or less blind.
I could not see the chalk board and made up answers to questions I imagined were on the board. My parent tried to get me to wear them, but even when I had them in my pocket, I'd still tell the teacher I'd left them home or broke them.
Only one out of so many teachers let me sit close to the board so I could learn something.
And I dropped out before turning 16, so much for The American Dream.
My parents did understand. It was them who got me to a psychiatrist who excused my absences and kept me out a full year. So to add it up would be something like a 7th grade education and I've got a job getting grocery carts out of the lot and back into the store.
If I could go back in time, I'd wear those glasses and have gone to college, but life usually holds only one chance for us all.
Do you remember those pins they'd sell at school? "Send a mouse to college".
We children fell for that, of course. We believed that with 5 cents, we'd be sending a mouse to get a degree. I just looked on the www and sheesh, that goes back a long way. Feeling old.
The mice were really being sent to the lab to get tortured, but seeing the mice in caps and gowns made the scheme appealing to us kids who didn't know any better.
Well, I wouldn't wear eyeglasses for starters and my stubbornness was matched by the teachers who all put me in the back of the class, where I was more or less blind.
I could not see the chalk board and made up answers to questions I imagined were on the board. My parent tried to get me to wear them, but even when I had them in my pocket, I'd still tell the teacher I'd left them home or broke them.
Only one out of so many teachers let me sit close to the board so I could learn something.
And I dropped out before turning 16, so much for The American Dream.
My parents did understand. It was them who got me to a psychiatrist who excused my absences and kept me out a full year. So to add it up would be something like a 7th grade education and I've got a job getting grocery carts out of the lot and back into the store.
If I could go back in time, I'd wear those glasses and have gone to college, but life usually holds only one chance for us all.
Tuesday, January 3
unemployment and idle thoughts
I called my ma on the phone for a holiday greeting. She sounded cold.She's angry because I haven't found any work. Finally she said "You better wisen up boy! And stop talking silly."
I've heard that over and over from pa, my ma and even granny. I knew I had exhausted her patience and ended the call.
I have gotten lazy being unemployed. I miss waking up, showering, brushing my teeth all because I HAD too.
I guess I'm not very disciplined on my own. Doing anything because I really WANT to is just doing essential, basic tasks and letting anything else pile up because I don't care enough.
I've always wanted a cleaning lady. Some of my friends have and I adore those busy ladies. I've never had a girl be interested in cleaning up for me. One of my boyfriendly duties was cleaning the litter boxes every night at the home of one of my girlfriends.
I clean my litter boxes, walk the dogs and I need to sleep in a very fresh, well made bed. If my bed gets cluttered or the sheets are loose and wrinkled or aren't clean enough, it's hard for to sleep, but lately money is tight and I need to eat more than I need to spend at the laundromat.
I'm living off my savings.
There is no money for indulgence. No new dresses, no French brie, no Danish blue cheese.
My rent money is my main concern as long as it's paid, I feel alright.
The factories in my area were all renovated and converted into apartment buildings. There are so many vacant businesses, it's like Death Valley. I don't think Obama is to blame, though it would help if he were tougher and more determined. It's all this financial emptiness. We really have to start from nothing.
China is the super power of the world and America exports nothing, but imports everything.
It's been months since I awoke in a lacy, frilly night gown and strutted to the bathroom stylishly. I'm too frustrated by other things to miss it much.
Being out of work right now is nothing to be ashamed of.There are the lucky ones and then there are all the rest of us.
I'd love to skip out and join OWS full time.
I used the wrong bottle of drops and instead of putting my moisture drops in, I put my contact lens washing solution in my eyes and my contacts got stuck and were very had to remove. I could see my own clear membrane being pulled as I peeled them out. I bought a 15 dollar pair of glasses online and waiting two weeks for the delivery. The girl taking my prescription barely spoke English and I hope she got it right. Good luck to me on my new pair of glasses.
I hope 2012 is a better year financially, but I know it won't be.
I applied for a dishwashing job at the bar down the street, maybe they'll call...
I've heard that over and over from pa, my ma and even granny. I knew I had exhausted her patience and ended the call.
I have gotten lazy being unemployed. I miss waking up, showering, brushing my teeth all because I HAD too.
I guess I'm not very disciplined on my own. Doing anything because I really WANT to is just doing essential, basic tasks and letting anything else pile up because I don't care enough.
I've always wanted a cleaning lady. Some of my friends have and I adore those busy ladies. I've never had a girl be interested in cleaning up for me. One of my boyfriendly duties was cleaning the litter boxes every night at the home of one of my girlfriends.
I clean my litter boxes, walk the dogs and I need to sleep in a very fresh, well made bed. If my bed gets cluttered or the sheets are loose and wrinkled or aren't clean enough, it's hard for to sleep, but lately money is tight and I need to eat more than I need to spend at the laundromat.
I'm living off my savings.
There is no money for indulgence. No new dresses, no French brie, no Danish blue cheese.
My rent money is my main concern as long as it's paid, I feel alright.
The factories in my area were all renovated and converted into apartment buildings. There are so many vacant businesses, it's like Death Valley. I don't think Obama is to blame, though it would help if he were tougher and more determined. It's all this financial emptiness. We really have to start from nothing.
China is the super power of the world and America exports nothing, but imports everything.
It's been months since I awoke in a lacy, frilly night gown and strutted to the bathroom stylishly. I'm too frustrated by other things to miss it much.
Being out of work right now is nothing to be ashamed of.There are the lucky ones and then there are all the rest of us.
I'd love to skip out and join OWS full time.
I used the wrong bottle of drops and instead of putting my moisture drops in, I put my contact lens washing solution in my eyes and my contacts got stuck and were very had to remove. I could see my own clear membrane being pulled as I peeled them out. I bought a 15 dollar pair of glasses online and waiting two weeks for the delivery. The girl taking my prescription barely spoke English and I hope she got it right. Good luck to me on my new pair of glasses.
I hope 2012 is a better year financially, but I know it won't be.
I applied for a dishwashing job at the bar down the street, maybe they'll call...
Tuesday, October 11
surprise from granny?
Granny's house is so far off the road and so isolated. The place drives me nuts. I go there and stare. There's dust all over. Granny was a great cook and a big reader, but wasn't big on cleaning and I don't blame her for keeping the place a little messy, hmm it's more than a little messy, but that sounds nicer.
Granny's is like Yale, huge & drafty with very high ceilings. The last time I lived there, I felt so desperate and lonely.
I've become very used to opening my door and being right on the sidewalk. Opening my door and instantly seeing people walking & talking.
Shortly after granny's death, I had an unflattering memory of her and just as I was thinking it, one of her heavy, bulky purses fell on my head. I was in one of her closets and believed she or her spirit smacked me on the head.
My dogs were with me and one morning they pulled clothes hangers from out of the closet and there were strange brown cloths all over the floor.
Wrapped around the wires of the coat hangers were silk stockings. They looked new and never used. These are old stockings reaching up to the thigh and they'd get attached with the clips on a garter belt. There were about three pairs on every hanger.
I know my granny was a hoarder. I don't know what went through her mind as she wrapped these silk stockings around the hangers, and then hung clothes from them, it seems like she had hidden them or maybe didn't like wire hangers and thought of this as a way of padding them.Things that are hidden are more exciting than obvious things. I sometimes think that the devil wraps things with fancy ribbons. Temptation.
Whatever her reasons, I'll never know, but while I was tempted to try them on, silk is so soft and wonderful against the skin, I felt guilty and unwrapped every hanger and put away all the silk stockings in a bag and left them at the Goodwill drop-off.
It was kind of nice, I'd love to think granny set up a surprise gift for me, but she was a hoarder and probably kept these silk stockings under wraps for an emergency.
I'm glad the very hot weather is all over with, I'm really loving the cooler weather.
This past weekend was horrible. I had the worst hangover of my life.
Luckily, The Real Housewives of New Jersey was on tv and even in all my pain I could smile watching Teresa "flipping the table".
I took 2 Advils waking up and couldn't really remember why I felt so shitty. I was over the toilet puking and the vomit came out both mouth and nose, it was all liquid but suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I was choking on my vomit. My uncle had died that way. I was stricken with panic and grabbed my bath towel to blow my nose and saved my own life.
All Saturday, I felt as though I were poisoned, shaking,weak and walking like a 90 year old man.
I restrained myself from vomiting anymore the entire day (it's hard). I ate and drank nothing.
That morning I got this awful ammonia smell in my nostrils and I still cannot smell anything. This ammonia smell is subsiding very, very slowly. I was told that some of the vomit got into my larynx and it will take time to get that ammonia-like vapor and my sense of smell back.
The only good thing is I have only drank a couple beers since and that is how it's going to be from now on.
Granny's is like Yale, huge & drafty with very high ceilings. The last time I lived there, I felt so desperate and lonely.
I've become very used to opening my door and being right on the sidewalk. Opening my door and instantly seeing people walking & talking.
Shortly after granny's death, I had an unflattering memory of her and just as I was thinking it, one of her heavy, bulky purses fell on my head. I was in one of her closets and believed she or her spirit smacked me on the head.
My dogs were with me and one morning they pulled clothes hangers from out of the closet and there were strange brown cloths all over the floor.
Wrapped around the wires of the coat hangers were silk stockings. They looked new and never used. These are old stockings reaching up to the thigh and they'd get attached with the clips on a garter belt. There were about three pairs on every hanger.
I know my granny was a hoarder. I don't know what went through her mind as she wrapped these silk stockings around the hangers, and then hung clothes from them, it seems like she had hidden them or maybe didn't like wire hangers and thought of this as a way of padding them.Things that are hidden are more exciting than obvious things. I sometimes think that the devil wraps things with fancy ribbons. Temptation.
Whatever her reasons, I'll never know, but while I was tempted to try them on, silk is so soft and wonderful against the skin, I felt guilty and unwrapped every hanger and put away all the silk stockings in a bag and left them at the Goodwill drop-off.
It was kind of nice, I'd love to think granny set up a surprise gift for me, but she was a hoarder and probably kept these silk stockings under wraps for an emergency.
I'm glad the very hot weather is all over with, I'm really loving the cooler weather.
This past weekend was horrible. I had the worst hangover of my life.
Luckily, The Real Housewives of New Jersey was on tv and even in all my pain I could smile watching Teresa "flipping the table".
I took 2 Advils waking up and couldn't really remember why I felt so shitty. I was over the toilet puking and the vomit came out both mouth and nose, it was all liquid but suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I was choking on my vomit. My uncle had died that way. I was stricken with panic and grabbed my bath towel to blow my nose and saved my own life.
All Saturday, I felt as though I were poisoned, shaking,weak and walking like a 90 year old man.
I restrained myself from vomiting anymore the entire day (it's hard). I ate and drank nothing.
That morning I got this awful ammonia smell in my nostrils and I still cannot smell anything. This ammonia smell is subsiding very, very slowly. I was told that some of the vomit got into my larynx and it will take time to get that ammonia-like vapor and my sense of smell back.
The only good thing is I have only drank a couple beers since and that is how it's going to be from now on.
Saturday, August 6
having a bad time
The whole month of July brought me so many troubles.
Too depressed to really focus on anything.
The major factor was that I brought Mitzie to a groomer because of tangles in her hair. I wanted her to get a good haircut mainly. She's a tiny Yorkie with very fine hair and I like to keep her hair longer cause that's her at her cutest.
Well, I brought her to a groomer only because I wanted her few tangles removed and the damned bitch did accept her, but upon picking her up said " I reported you to the dog warden because of the matting. "
She threatened to remove my Mitzie from my custody {something I could not live with}
I love my dog. I spoil my dog with food better than I eat myself.
This completely devastated me as I love Mitzie so much.
Anna Grace has a Yorkie and I've read many a post where her separation from her dog was something that caused her extreme emotional heartbreak. I understand her heartbreak, especially after feeling the possibility of my Yorkie separation first hand.
It was an awful July and since, I've brought my Yorkie to another groomer every 2 weeks as to show the importance of her existence in my life.
So , yeah I wallowed in pain and an excess of beer.
I hope August isn't as traumatic as July.
I'm going through my savings because I haven't since found a painting job.
America is truly suffering unemployment. I 've suffered through and experienced it so well myself.
I need my Mitzie. Please join me in the hopes that she will not be removed from my custody and my life.
Too depressed to really focus on anything.
The major factor was that I brought Mitzie to a groomer because of tangles in her hair. I wanted her to get a good haircut mainly. She's a tiny Yorkie with very fine hair and I like to keep her hair longer cause that's her at her cutest.
Well, I brought her to a groomer only because I wanted her few tangles removed and the damned bitch did accept her, but upon picking her up said " I reported you to the dog warden because of the matting. "
She threatened to remove my Mitzie from my custody {something I could not live with}
I love my dog. I spoil my dog with food better than I eat myself.
This completely devastated me as I love Mitzie so much.
Anna Grace has a Yorkie and I've read many a post where her separation from her dog was something that caused her extreme emotional heartbreak. I understand her heartbreak, especially after feeling the possibility of my Yorkie separation first hand.
It was an awful July and since, I've brought my Yorkie to another groomer every 2 weeks as to show the importance of her existence in my life.
So , yeah I wallowed in pain and an excess of beer.
I hope August isn't as traumatic as July.
I'm going through my savings because I haven't since found a painting job.
America is truly suffering unemployment. I 've suffered through and experienced it so well myself.
I need my Mitzie. Please join me in the hopes that she will not be removed from my custody and my life.
Sunday, July 24
I like his kimono
Remember this song? He's almost too pretty, but I love that kimono.
Rushing to the dance floor every time they played this song.
Rushing to the dance floor every time they played this song.
Friday, July 15
black and blues
No sooner than my head touches the pillow and I'm fast asleep, sometimes before I've gotten that far.
I awoke on the floor a few days ago and now have horrible black and purple bruises. Three on all sides of one knee on my opposite arm and thigh and ankle.
Then I banged into something and tripped at the grocery store and have two toes taped together.
Things will get better. I spent some time where I wanted to be.
Friday, July 8
the bluest of a July day
Escapism.
Hedonism.
I can only take myself seriously for a limited period each day.
I get tired of being "responsible", of being necessarily serious and of dignity.
That's OK for the time I mask myself for society.
Somethings are best left unseen, for example, me in a dress.
I think if I were gay,I would not stay in the closet.
I'm getting older, not wiser, but definitely older.
I have really gorgeous beaded gowns and dresses that are quite formal. Some that I'd wear to parties, to concerts,to clubs.
I've spent the summer painting houses and I make just enough to pay my rent, to buy my favorite cheeses, Brie and Danish Blue. I read books from the library.
When I was young and had much more money, I bought hard-to-obtain books. One was an autographed book by Andy Warhol. I still have my rare book collection, although I have little money these days.
I'm sitting with a few ice cold beers. I've been drinking in excess every night. It soothes and comforts me. I remember a quarrel last night, but not the subject. Last night I decided I needed a little bit of disappearance. I wanted no company but silence.
I really get into moods where silence is my best companion and my beer and my xanax and elavil.The elavil is really the best because I'm on the highest dosage, but have spares and when I take two, it wipes me right out.
I've had a rough time these past few weeks.I strain to maintain a bit of happiness.
I look into the mirror and smile for a long time.
I smile a lot when I'm depressed. It's senseless, but I believe by smiling it may trigger something in my brain and maybe a little joy will register in my brain.
I try tricks on my brain.
It's probably a very weak and small brain and I figure I can cheat it well.
But it's probably best kept in a sedate state when I'm unhappy.
I've noticed recently in my dealings with others that I'm always wrong.
And shortly I'll be asleep and that's something I look forward to so much. It's waking up lately that is the saddest part of my day.
Hedonism.
I can only take myself seriously for a limited period each day.
I get tired of being "responsible", of being necessarily serious and of dignity.
That's OK for the time I mask myself for society.
Somethings are best left unseen, for example, me in a dress.
I think if I were gay,I would not stay in the closet.
I'm getting older, not wiser, but definitely older.
I have really gorgeous beaded gowns and dresses that are quite formal. Some that I'd wear to parties, to concerts,to clubs.
I've spent the summer painting houses and I make just enough to pay my rent, to buy my favorite cheeses, Brie and Danish Blue. I read books from the library.
When I was young and had much more money, I bought hard-to-obtain books. One was an autographed book by Andy Warhol. I still have my rare book collection, although I have little money these days.
I'm sitting with a few ice cold beers. I've been drinking in excess every night. It soothes and comforts me. I remember a quarrel last night, but not the subject. Last night I decided I needed a little bit of disappearance. I wanted no company but silence.
I really get into moods where silence is my best companion and my beer and my xanax and elavil.The elavil is really the best because I'm on the highest dosage, but have spares and when I take two, it wipes me right out.
I've had a rough time these past few weeks.I strain to maintain a bit of happiness.
I look into the mirror and smile for a long time.
I smile a lot when I'm depressed. It's senseless, but I believe by smiling it may trigger something in my brain and maybe a little joy will register in my brain.
I try tricks on my brain.
It's probably a very weak and small brain and I figure I can cheat it well.
But it's probably best kept in a sedate state when I'm unhappy.
I've noticed recently in my dealings with others that I'm always wrong.
And shortly I'll be asleep and that's something I look forward to so much. It's waking up lately that is the saddest part of my day.
Thursday, June 23
Annnnnaaaaa ! Please be in this world!
I never heard her voice or saw her in person. I only knew Anna through her words and photos. I hope to hear that she really hasn't left this world. Anna, you are special and everyone loved reading about you.You're unique and beautiful and I hope that it's all untrue. I feel sick, really. Please be here."Anna Young...
*She's alright and I'm glad for that.
Friday, June 17
junk piles and cotton panties
My car parked in the drive way has even more scratches and dings on it than ever.The drive way is used as a junk pile and metal scrap facility.
The other tenants get good money, especially for copper and soon will be piled with broken air conditioners and worse,for me is the tiny shards of broken glass and nails.
This is where I'd rather be,close to water.
It's so hot, humid and nasty that I've decided my briefs are too heavy. I'm going to the ladies department and pick up some thin cotton panties.Even the pouch on my briefs is adding more fabric than I need.
Friday, June 10
"You're not my type....but I like you"
I need closeness and skin to skin contact. Where am I goin'? I'll pause before I get there.. I had a date this weekend. She told me I wasn't her "type" We were nowhere near my disclosing the dressing thing. "So why's that?" I asked. "You're kind of scrawny, but I like your voice, it's deep." The way she flashed her teeth reminded me of a rabid dog. She seemed as though she was gritting her teeth, but that's how she smiled. It looked painful. Physical attraction matters, initially at least, but I consider personality first. My friend and I will never fight over a girl. He's into bones, malnourished & anorectic. (what once was called "a carpenter's dream") When we're looking, our eyes never follow the same girl and that's perfect. Bones poking from underneath is not sexy.
Sunday, May 22
helpless girls & broken dolls
I have not seen my sister in a long time until the beginning of May.
Initially she appeared alright, sometimes a little fuzzy with zig-zaging conversations. She'd been zoning out often and returning to the conversation on a new subject.
She didn't answer questions directly but said what she wanted to.The question she evaded never really appeared to have registered in her, like selective thinking.
Initially, she was very active. More and more, as the month progressed she's become passive (far from her natural state)
She'd been talking about morphine patches, Duragesic and Norco and I knew that she'd come across some people she can obtain them from.
Driving around with her as teenagers was tough. En route she'd have the window rolled down waving & shouting to her drug providing friends. Not wanting her on so much drugs and I'd speed by these "friends" foolishly thinking I could take her away from drugs.
I introduced her to a different circle of people, but she had no interest.
Years have gone by. So many, since she'd begun resorting to drugs on a daily basis in high school.
Spending days going into nights convincing her to detox and spending hours phoning rehabs begging for a spare bed. Once after an exhausting day/night of phoning, I warned the nurse that she may very well die and very soon, if she could not locate a spare bed. Fortunately the nurse was moved and arranged to accept her in the facility. N was pretty much unconscious by this time and never protested the long ride to the hospital.
I was as strong willed as she was.
The guy she'd lived with for many years was shot dead in the ghetto section while looking to score for her.
We are both adults now and N is obviously using chemicals heavily.
She had a "stomach ache" (yeah, right!) yesterday morning when she visited me so she spent literally the entire day sleeping in her bf's truck.
When he got bored after a few hours of her sleep, he disappeared and turned up that evening drunk. Since neither was capable of driving, they spent the night sleeping in the vehicle. So much for the "visit".
She DOES what she wants. I no longer try stopping her. My only hope is that she uses some caution and doesn't get hurt or worse.
Her voice is a very weak, slow attempt at staying awake during conversation. Sometimes she's asleep before she has finished a sentence, most often it's just a couple words before she's back to sleep.
For someone involved , but not involved heavily into drugs, we feel mostly helpless.
This isn't a child, though it can seem that way.
N. once upon a time was a very pretty, bright and popular girl. I'd never dreamed then that she'd need drugs at all.
I was more the misfit, the weaker and obviously weird one. If either of us was to make drugs a way of life, I'd have thought back then, it would be me.
I don't feel like the winner, I feel like I'm losing my sister and that's a feeling I've suffered for so many years.
Accepting defeat has been a long term process.
Initially she appeared alright, sometimes a little fuzzy with zig-zaging conversations. She'd been zoning out often and returning to the conversation on a new subject.
She didn't answer questions directly but said what she wanted to.The question she evaded never really appeared to have registered in her, like selective thinking.
Initially, she was very active. More and more, as the month progressed she's become passive (far from her natural state)
She'd been talking about morphine patches, Duragesic and Norco and I knew that she'd come across some people she can obtain them from.
Driving around with her as teenagers was tough. En route she'd have the window rolled down waving & shouting to her drug providing friends. Not wanting her on so much drugs and I'd speed by these "friends" foolishly thinking I could take her away from drugs.
I introduced her to a different circle of people, but she had no interest.
Years have gone by. So many, since she'd begun resorting to drugs on a daily basis in high school.
Spending days going into nights convincing her to detox and spending hours phoning rehabs begging for a spare bed. Once after an exhausting day/night of phoning, I warned the nurse that she may very well die and very soon, if she could not locate a spare bed. Fortunately the nurse was moved and arranged to accept her in the facility. N was pretty much unconscious by this time and never protested the long ride to the hospital.
I was as strong willed as she was.
The guy she'd lived with for many years was shot dead in the ghetto section while looking to score for her.
We are both adults now and N is obviously using chemicals heavily.
She had a "stomach ache" (yeah, right!) yesterday morning when she visited me so she spent literally the entire day sleeping in her bf's truck.
When he got bored after a few hours of her sleep, he disappeared and turned up that evening drunk. Since neither was capable of driving, they spent the night sleeping in the vehicle. So much for the "visit".
She DOES what she wants. I no longer try stopping her. My only hope is that she uses some caution and doesn't get hurt or worse.
Her voice is a very weak, slow attempt at staying awake during conversation. Sometimes she's asleep before she has finished a sentence, most often it's just a couple words before she's back to sleep.
For someone involved , but not involved heavily into drugs, we feel mostly helpless.
This isn't a child, though it can seem that way.
N. once upon a time was a very pretty, bright and popular girl. I'd never dreamed then that she'd need drugs at all.
I was more the misfit, the weaker and obviously weird one. If either of us was to make drugs a way of life, I'd have thought back then, it would be me.
I don't feel like the winner, I feel like I'm losing my sister and that's a feeling I've suffered for so many years.
Accepting defeat has been a long term process.
Saturday, May 14
Rest in peace, Mike
The owner of Toad's Place died last week.
I have many memories of Mike serving behind the bar too, he mixed and placed a drink in seconds.
NEW HAVEN, Conn. (WTNH) - The founder of Toad's Place located in New Haven passed away.Founder, Mike Spoerndle along with his friend and business partner Brian Phelps worked together at Toad's Place since it's opening in the 1970's.
I have many memories of Mike serving behind the bar too, he mixed and placed a drink in seconds.
NEW HAVEN, Conn. (WTNH) - The founder of Toad's Place located in New Haven passed away.Founder, Mike Spoerndle along with his friend and business partner Brian Phelps worked together at Toad's Place since it's opening in the 1970's.
"The first time I ever saw him, he was at the door, collecting money, he had one guy in a headlock, and he's collecting money in the other arm, he's got one foot up on the door, directing traffic. That's how I met the guy, you know," says Phelps.
Many well known bands played some of their first live shows on the Toad's Place stage.
Toad's Place on York Street is a magnet for some of the biggest names in rock, country and pop. Bob Dylan, James Taylor and Bon Jovi all jammed there. The Rolling Stones made a surprise visit in 1989.
"He and I were always elated when we'd have a monster act here, that was always. First one we had here is Springsteen," says Phelps.
Spoerndle's battle with drugs forced Phelps to finally buy full control of the company in 1995. But Spoerndle's legacy is much like the music he adored will always have a place at Toad's Place.
"He searched out new musical talent. He played it when others didn't even know about it. He brought it into the club for the first time ever," says Phelps.Sunday, May 1
doctors with dirty hands
Some time ago, I brought a female friend (not my gf) to Yale New Haven Hospital.
She had been calling me three or four times a day believing she was pregnant as she hadn't gotten her ladies troubles for some months.
The guy who may have impregnated her was already living with his girlfriend and their infant son and wanted nothing more to do with her.
Feeling pregnant and alone, she confided her worries to me. At the time she had no idea of what to do, though I could tell she was not in a situation that could welcome a child. Then she'd been buying pregnancy tests left & right all turning out negative.
She had no physician and her problem changed to a condition that led her to bleed excessively and within a couple weeks, she worried her condition was very serious. Finally she asked me to bring her to the ER because she bled very severely and incessantly day & night, even with methergine(?) tablets a friend had given her.
We went into the ER. I waited while she was led behind the main doors and shortly she'd come out to me and told me that the docs said they were unable to treat her problem and directed her to the ob-gyn department where she could be examined.
So, we walked to that door and there were dozens of women in the waiting room. But she did talk to the front staff and explained that she was hemorrhaging, literally hemorrhaging to the point that ladies hygiene pads were no use. They asked for her insurance info and she said she had none and they turned her away in a quiet, business like tone.
If she were meek as mice, she'd have left quietly as she was asked, but she wasn't. She raised her voice to a screech and screamed that they were sending her out "to bleed to death on the streets".
I remember this incident as though it were yesterday because I was so stunned that anyone in this shape could actually be refused any type of treatment or even some advise. I also remember because her screaming those words just pierced through my soul.
I led her out the corridor, all the while she looked back & continued screaming at them.
It seemed to her that she had one right only, which is the right to die.
Outside her major hysteria had her crying & screaming to pedestrians and passing cars. "They threw me out, they left me to die in the street." I'll never forget her words.
Suddenly the ob-gyn center director appeared rushing toward us on the street.
Realizing a potential law suit, he talked softly to her, persuading her to come back to ob-gyn, where she was now taken into the examining room ahead of the other women in the waiting room.
I took a seat, hoping they could help her. Shortly after, she had come out with a slip. She was told to return to the ER and show the slip, indicating the urgency of her problem and need for immediate care. Again I sat in the waiting room, but for a very long time. I thought about how had she been quiet & compliant , she may well have been dismissed "bleeding on the street".
She emerged looking much calmer and told me about all the diagnostics they'd done & of her follow-upt with their ob-gyn unit later that week, when they could come to some diagnosis and treatment.
We are still good friends. She mentioned the story on the phone the other day and permitted me to share it, as it is really a disgrace & a crime that patients actually do get turned away, so much for the Hippocratic Oath & the professionals practicing it ?
She had been calling me three or four times a day believing she was pregnant as she hadn't gotten her ladies troubles for some months.
The guy who may have impregnated her was already living with his girlfriend and their infant son and wanted nothing more to do with her.
Feeling pregnant and alone, she confided her worries to me. At the time she had no idea of what to do, though I could tell she was not in a situation that could welcome a child. Then she'd been buying pregnancy tests left & right all turning out negative.
She had no physician and her problem changed to a condition that led her to bleed excessively and within a couple weeks, she worried her condition was very serious. Finally she asked me to bring her to the ER because she bled very severely and incessantly day & night, even with methergine(?) tablets a friend had given her.
We went into the ER. I waited while she was led behind the main doors and shortly she'd come out to me and told me that the docs said they were unable to treat her problem and directed her to the ob-gyn department where she could be examined.
So, we walked to that door and there were dozens of women in the waiting room. But she did talk to the front staff and explained that she was hemorrhaging, literally hemorrhaging to the point that ladies hygiene pads were no use. They asked for her insurance info and she said she had none and they turned her away in a quiet, business like tone.
If she were meek as mice, she'd have left quietly as she was asked, but she wasn't. She raised her voice to a screech and screamed that they were sending her out "to bleed to death on the streets".
I remember this incident as though it were yesterday because I was so stunned that anyone in this shape could actually be refused any type of treatment or even some advise. I also remember because her screaming those words just pierced through my soul.
I led her out the corridor, all the while she looked back & continued screaming at them.
It seemed to her that she had one right only, which is the right to die.
Outside her major hysteria had her crying & screaming to pedestrians and passing cars. "They threw me out, they left me to die in the street." I'll never forget her words.
Suddenly the ob-gyn center director appeared rushing toward us on the street.
Realizing a potential law suit, he talked softly to her, persuading her to come back to ob-gyn, where she was now taken into the examining room ahead of the other women in the waiting room.
I took a seat, hoping they could help her. Shortly after, she had come out with a slip. She was told to return to the ER and show the slip, indicating the urgency of her problem and need for immediate care. Again I sat in the waiting room, but for a very long time. I thought about how had she been quiet & compliant , she may well have been dismissed "bleeding on the street".
She emerged looking much calmer and told me about all the diagnostics they'd done & of her follow-upt with their ob-gyn unit later that week, when they could come to some diagnosis and treatment.
We are still good friends. She mentioned the story on the phone the other day and permitted me to share it, as it is really a disgrace & a crime that patients actually do get turned away, so much for the Hippocratic Oath & the professionals practicing it ?
Wednesday, April 13
you couldn't mess around with granny
Above, Penny dances with Granny's carnival teddy bear. Granny didn't think the bear needed dancing and cut it short.
Poor Penny wanting to take the bear out for some fresh air and granny didn't think her bear needed it.
Granny blew a major fuse over Penny's activities with the bear and she received royal hell for it.
Wednesday, March 30
feeling the pains of my labor
I want to be wide awake, usually, in the summer. I get happiness at the beach, for some reason, I can just walk miles for hours, almost endlessly, it seems.
Someone told me it's the iodine in the salty air that gives people a lift.
It's such a pain going to out of town doctors. I hate sitting in the chair explaining & convincing docs that "yes ! I need them"
HIPPA law, this "confidentiality law" guards personal medical records from being disclosed. Under this law, the patient must sign a consent form if he permits his records released to another treating physician.
Yet, if one has a history of an overdose, even an accidental one, this information is readily obtainable without the patient's consent. No signature needed from the patient. For this reason, I have to travel way out and see doctors.
I feel as though I am doing something criminal & deceptive.
I understand a doc's not wanting responsibility if a patient is suspect ,but everyone knows you can take anything if you really want to leave the planet.
Circumstances CAN change. Attitudes change,outlook & feelings change. One's life can change from agonizing to fulfilling.
When I was given a script of Xanax 6 mg per day, one doc reprimanded me at my next visit for "taking advantage" of her trust, because I didn't mention the accidental od.
Shouldn't I have been the one feeling mistrust ? (my records released without my knowledge)
I'm very tired of the ordeal.
Someone told me it's the iodine in the salty air that gives people a lift.
It's such a pain going to out of town doctors. I hate sitting in the chair explaining & convincing docs that "yes ! I need them"
HIPPA law, this "confidentiality law" guards personal medical records from being disclosed. Under this law, the patient must sign a consent form if he permits his records released to another treating physician.
Yet, if one has a history of an overdose, even an accidental one, this information is readily obtainable without the patient's consent. No signature needed from the patient. For this reason, I have to travel way out and see doctors.
I feel as though I am doing something criminal & deceptive.
I understand a doc's not wanting responsibility if a patient is suspect ,but everyone knows you can take anything if you really want to leave the planet.
Circumstances CAN change. Attitudes change,outlook & feelings change. One's life can change from agonizing to fulfilling.
When I was given a script of Xanax 6 mg per day, one doc reprimanded me at my next visit for "taking advantage" of her trust, because I didn't mention the accidental od.
Shouldn't I have been the one feeling mistrust ? (my records released without my knowledge)
I'm very tired of the ordeal.
Tuesday, March 29
gone to the birds
I was asking around for an American yellow parrotlet(the European yellow are supposedly less vivid)I got a blue one instead, they seem to sell so fast.
This one is from New Jersey.Melvin is very receptive, eats from my hand. He loves broccoli, but isn't fond of sweet fruits, like Percy.
I'd love to pair one of these guys with a bright yellow female, but they're territorial and temperamental. If there is another male in view of a mating couple, the male may kill his mate with jealousy,Ouch!
Also fledglings must be removed from the father because he may kill male offspring.These birds don't make the best daddies.
Below is granny holding up a sketch she drew of her beagle.(it doesn't look like a dog)You couldn't tell granny that.
In the sketch, the dog appears to have 5 legs, but she had explained that one wasn't actually a leg, but a sign of his gender....
Oh granny, I still get a kick out of you.....
This one is from New Jersey.Melvin is very receptive, eats from my hand. He loves broccoli, but isn't fond of sweet fruits, like Percy.
I'd love to pair one of these guys with a bright yellow female, but they're territorial and temperamental. If there is another male in view of a mating couple, the male may kill his mate with jealousy,Ouch!
Also fledglings must be removed from the father because he may kill male offspring.These birds don't make the best daddies.
Below is granny holding up a sketch she drew of her beagle.(it doesn't look like a dog)You couldn't tell granny that.
In the sketch, the dog appears to have 5 legs, but she had explained that one wasn't actually a leg, but a sign of his gender....Oh granny, I still get a kick out of you.....
Thursday, March 17
favorite dresses
The gown above is a pink silk chiffon,there's a sheath falling from the neckline and it's double skirted. It is one of my favorites. I like the length cause I don't have "good legs"
This dress is embellished with fake diamonds and gold at the neckline. It's got multi layers of stiff crinoline which gives it a flattering shape, but not comfort. It's getting old and I no longer wear it.
I like just-below -the knee to ankle length dresses and prefer a stack heel to high heels & stilettos.
These images are very poor. Someday I'll have to photograph my favorites.
Tuesday, February 22
out of order
I miss my pc. It got infected a few days ago. I'll see what the repair man says. Either he can fix it or I have to replace it.
Saturday, February 19
Felt like a cornered animal
I have a few "friends"?
That's the wrong word.
I have some people who invite me over.
I was suspicious of these people initially when while being asked over, would remind me "not to forget wearing" my "favorite dress". It's this stipulation that had me skeptical.
Being a Friday night, they entertain with dinner & drinks in their home.
They are rich engineers in aerospace. I'm a high school drop out. Anyway, I usually have no problems getting along with people.
They paired me with a bleached blond "date" and took us out. I've always thought the one who invites picks up the bill, but on top of being miserable for hours, I got stuck with paying my half and the blonds too.
They got their usual laughs out of me, that doesn't hurt much.
I listened to their high class bs, one got a plaque, one blew 500 dollars at the casino,blah,blah,etc.
While listening, I recalled one night last summer.
I got plastered at their house, no they didn't force it down my throat. Then thunder & lightening could be heard. I told them I felt unsure of my drive home, being drunk & with the storm.
They have 2 spare bedrooms & routinely fit 4 couples overnight on couches and so forth. I kinda thought it was logical to keep me overnight, but when I mentioned this, they promptly showed me the door and mentioned their cleaning lady arrives early on Sundays.
"Shit", I thought...are they really friends ?, sending me off blind drunk during a storm.
Friends, real ones are few.Phonies are a penny for a baker's dozen.I Won't be seeing them anymore.
That's the wrong word.
I have some people who invite me over.
I was suspicious of these people initially when while being asked over, would remind me "not to forget wearing" my "favorite dress". It's this stipulation that had me skeptical.
Being a Friday night, they entertain with dinner & drinks in their home.
They are rich engineers in aerospace. I'm a high school drop out. Anyway, I usually have no problems getting along with people.
They paired me with a bleached blond "date" and took us out. I've always thought the one who invites picks up the bill, but on top of being miserable for hours, I got stuck with paying my half and the blonds too.
They got their usual laughs out of me, that doesn't hurt much.
I listened to their high class bs, one got a plaque, one blew 500 dollars at the casino,blah,blah,etc.
While listening, I recalled one night last summer.
I got plastered at their house, no they didn't force it down my throat. Then thunder & lightening could be heard. I told them I felt unsure of my drive home, being drunk & with the storm.
They have 2 spare bedrooms & routinely fit 4 couples overnight on couches and so forth. I kinda thought it was logical to keep me overnight, but when I mentioned this, they promptly showed me the door and mentioned their cleaning lady arrives early on Sundays.
"Shit", I thought...are they really friends ?, sending me off blind drunk during a storm.
Friends, real ones are few.Phonies are a penny for a baker's dozen.I Won't be seeing them anymore.
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